Statutory Warning: This post is yet another self introspection report card from me to myself. I can understand that there is not even a tinge of that tone of surprise in you the reader and hence you can choose not to read it further.....
(But.. if u have decided to plunge, so be it... ) As already said , this is yet another attempt from me to look at myself from a distance, observe and correct. Too much of self introspection is certainly not good for oneself and I know it from experience. However, being the loner that I am , I am finding it hard to kick the habit. At the end of every day, I end up doing this 360 degree feedback.(See, being in the corporate world for some time now , I surely can speak some of that lingo).
First thing that I have noticed in myself is some achievement for which I am both happy and sad at the same time. What may be that mighty achievement ?. The answer is I have substantially lost my temper. I nowadays almost forget to get angry !. QED from workplace where I received a written feedback from a junior colleague stating that I am the most calm person in the team. Funny ! but people who know me from my school days would vouch for that abrasive fury I used to emit. Isn't it good to have lost that ? That is the question that comes up in my mind often. I am proud of it but at the same time I must admit that there is tinge of sadness due to the fact that I think I have lost the rage a tad too much and I sometimes now feel I have lost my identity in some way. Honestly, there was never a conscious effort from my end to reduce the anger. The only probable reason could be to avoid that miserable feeling you get after getting angry.
There is relevance to the previous paragraph since its a SIGNIFICANT change in me..(that caps was intended). And.. I am looking forward to more such changes. If this change could be possible (sans efforts) , why not with other aspects in me with efforts is what my post is all about. There is context to everything that happens around me right now and I realise that I am at a very peculiar position in my life where I have not been before.
I now realise that I have some strengths.Like this one for eg , I can confidently say I am definitely a notch above quite a number of people in appreciating and understanding a creative work be it either Tamil(even among Tamil students who scored 200 out of 200 in board exams , and I cannot write Tamil) or English. I have observed people who really are dumb in appreciating a creative work (who are otherwise brilliant at studies or at work!). Weird. I am abstaining myself from quoting real life examples since I do not want to go back to having bad temper.
I know I am a notch above the crowd in appreciating a game of cricket.I am completely aware of facts.Unlike the majority, I know why a batsmen takes guard. I know why the sight screen is important. I know what reverse swing is.(And I know a lot of 'brilliant' people who have different theories on what reverse swing is, like this tall brilliant bespectacled guy who thinks reverse swing is when the ball moves backwards (reverses aam) after pitching !!). I know some serious stuff about some cricketers. If someone says, Dale Steyn can swing the ball both ways, I would ask since when ?. Dale Steyn has been and will always bowl outswingers (to Right handers) only. It is only his teammate and counterpart Vernon Philander who can swing the ball both ways. Of course Steyn can straighten and also reverse the ball (Proper reverse I mean :P). I can appreciate a tense situation in the game. I can grasp what a bowler is trying and how the batsmen is countering and vice versa. Also, when technical points are discussed in Star Cricket(no other channel discusses technical points), I am able to understand ! Also , I can easily say whether a batsman or a bowler has learned from his mistake.
Coming to life other than cricket , I now understand that I have a different perspective from the others.I am more towards values. I am a 'means' guy more than the 'ends' guy. For me means are far more important than ends. Very complex but true.Also, I have some non-negotiable points. I cannot tolerate haughtiness. I have instant hatred to any individual who emits haughtiness.I develop instant hatred to any person who is rude.Even worse, I cannot tolerate Idiocy also (as I said above). But why I am saying all this ?. Its because, even though I feel all this , I do not go and express this to that person. I keep it to myself and release words only when I feel it is absolutely necessary. I go through the pain called toleration. This is where I feel , I should be more assertive and open up. A scope for improvement.
Also, I am a fan of subtlety and subtexts. Not sure how many of you are. I like it when something is said and done in a subtle manner. Yes, you may not understand at first and ignore , but if you understand the subtle inner message , the impact is high, much higher than if you dump it on the face. The problem with being outright is , it works but I doubt whether it has the same impact. Being outright can sometimes turn against you unlike being subtle and saying what you say in subtexts. This is exactly where my limitations sort of begin. I can understand subtexts and interpret many of them but I need help in picking all the subtexts.So, I am half here.
Over the years, people have said that I can write. I know I can write but at the same time I know I do not possess that flair in writing that you expect from professionals.Even worse, there are some words I do not know the meaning at all (ask me to speak , my English is even worse). I do not know the basics of grammar. Ask me what is Adverb, Subject, Object etc in a sentence, I would be blinking. That's precisely the problem.So, I am half here too.
Come to workplace, I know the law , but the finer points , I don't know them all. Also , I keep forgetting. I need to be constantly in touch with it to understand. That 'technical' knowledge in work ,the fact that I don't know the full stuff rather the necessary stuff is sort of making me feel low.(I link again. These technically brilliant guys express idiocy when they talk about any creative work. That I am not able to fathom at all.) Also I am total sothapifier with regard to numbers.Also my concentration span is very limited. Here is where my diffidence comes from. The fact that I realise I possess only half knowledge in this aspect... Then comes the important question as to why do we need to know more than half ?. Probably because of the confidence (real not fake) that it gives you. Also you have no excuse in not knowing it.
There are other doubts and questions I have too.. Are everybody Half somewhere ? Whether this phenomenon is with me alone ? and other confusing questions...... Whatever it may be, but at the end of it all, I would say that I understand that there are places where I know that I am much much better, but at the same time there are places where I am not in sync at all .........
Hence this Half.
(But.. if u have decided to plunge, so be it... ) As already said , this is yet another attempt from me to look at myself from a distance, observe and correct. Too much of self introspection is certainly not good for oneself and I know it from experience. However, being the loner that I am , I am finding it hard to kick the habit. At the end of every day, I end up doing this 360 degree feedback.(See, being in the corporate world for some time now , I surely can speak some of that lingo).
First thing that I have noticed in myself is some achievement for which I am both happy and sad at the same time. What may be that mighty achievement ?. The answer is I have substantially lost my temper. I nowadays almost forget to get angry !. QED from workplace where I received a written feedback from a junior colleague stating that I am the most calm person in the team. Funny ! but people who know me from my school days would vouch for that abrasive fury I used to emit. Isn't it good to have lost that ? That is the question that comes up in my mind often. I am proud of it but at the same time I must admit that there is tinge of sadness due to the fact that I think I have lost the rage a tad too much and I sometimes now feel I have lost my identity in some way. Honestly, there was never a conscious effort from my end to reduce the anger. The only probable reason could be to avoid that miserable feeling you get after getting angry.
There is relevance to the previous paragraph since its a SIGNIFICANT change in me..(that caps was intended). And.. I am looking forward to more such changes. If this change could be possible (sans efforts) , why not with other aspects in me with efforts is what my post is all about. There is context to everything that happens around me right now and I realise that I am at a very peculiar position in my life where I have not been before.
I now realise that I have some strengths.Like this one for eg , I can confidently say I am definitely a notch above quite a number of people in appreciating and understanding a creative work be it either Tamil(even among Tamil students who scored 200 out of 200 in board exams , and I cannot write Tamil) or English. I have observed people who really are dumb in appreciating a creative work (who are otherwise brilliant at studies or at work!). Weird. I am abstaining myself from quoting real life examples since I do not want to go back to having bad temper.
I know I am a notch above the crowd in appreciating a game of cricket.I am completely aware of facts.Unlike the majority, I know why a batsmen takes guard. I know why the sight screen is important. I know what reverse swing is.(And I know a lot of 'brilliant' people who have different theories on what reverse swing is, like this tall brilliant bespectacled guy who thinks reverse swing is when the ball moves backwards (reverses aam) after pitching !!). I know some serious stuff about some cricketers. If someone says, Dale Steyn can swing the ball both ways, I would ask since when ?. Dale Steyn has been and will always bowl outswingers (to Right handers) only. It is only his teammate and counterpart Vernon Philander who can swing the ball both ways. Of course Steyn can straighten and also reverse the ball (Proper reverse I mean :P). I can appreciate a tense situation in the game. I can grasp what a bowler is trying and how the batsmen is countering and vice versa. Also, when technical points are discussed in Star Cricket(no other channel discusses technical points), I am able to understand ! Also , I can easily say whether a batsman or a bowler has learned from his mistake.
Coming to life other than cricket , I now understand that I have a different perspective from the others.I am more towards values. I am a 'means' guy more than the 'ends' guy. For me means are far more important than ends. Very complex but true.Also, I have some non-negotiable points. I cannot tolerate haughtiness. I have instant hatred to any individual who emits haughtiness.I develop instant hatred to any person who is rude.Even worse, I cannot tolerate Idiocy also (as I said above). But why I am saying all this ?. Its because, even though I feel all this , I do not go and express this to that person. I keep it to myself and release words only when I feel it is absolutely necessary. I go through the pain called toleration. This is where I feel , I should be more assertive and open up. A scope for improvement.
Also, I am a fan of subtlety and subtexts. Not sure how many of you are. I like it when something is said and done in a subtle manner. Yes, you may not understand at first and ignore , but if you understand the subtle inner message , the impact is high, much higher than if you dump it on the face. The problem with being outright is , it works but I doubt whether it has the same impact. Being outright can sometimes turn against you unlike being subtle and saying what you say in subtexts. This is exactly where my limitations sort of begin. I can understand subtexts and interpret many of them but I need help in picking all the subtexts.So, I am half here.
Over the years, people have said that I can write. I know I can write but at the same time I know I do not possess that flair in writing that you expect from professionals.Even worse, there are some words I do not know the meaning at all (ask me to speak , my English is even worse). I do not know the basics of grammar. Ask me what is Adverb, Subject, Object etc in a sentence, I would be blinking. That's precisely the problem.So, I am half here too.
 |
| From the Economic Times campaign - A Half cheats himself more than others |
There are other doubts and questions I have too.. Are everybody Half somewhere ? Whether this phenomenon is with me alone ? and other confusing questions...... Whatever it may be, but at the end of it all, I would say that I understand that there are places where I know that I am much much better, but at the same time there are places where I am not in sync at all .........
 |
| Again from Economic Times campaign - The Problems of being Half |
.....And that is why I confidently say I am now a Half. I will let you all know (including myself) if and when I have made some journey towards full.Yes. I wanted a place to inscribe the promise that I made to myself (to not be half) so that I am constantly reminded of the target and warned of deviations.
Hence this Half.
The Intermission
