The Moment....
It is special.(Even considering the time delay it took).When the D day arrived ,the usual symptoms like body shake , excessive sweating , loss of appetite etc happened.[I have experienced it 7 times totally..{including PE 1 , PE 2 etc. (These are situations where clarification becomes an absolute necessity)}].(OK.I accept , if you keep on reading my blogs , you would become an expert in BODMAS/BEDMAS rules).Ok.Without digressing further , we will proceed.The result was announced around 12 Noon , but I was refreshing the page every 5 minutes from 8 AM.Now, whoever writes these scripts , I dont know.From 11o Clock , I was inside a conference room , attending an all India Con Call training on FEMA basics.Around 12 Noon , when it became unbearable(combination of frustration of delay of results and irritation because of the monotonous tone of the speaker), the page suddenly refreshed. These are moments in your life when you can actually hear your heart beat.(Even writing about this now sends shockwaves within me).I put the roll no. and the captcha alphanumerics in the correct case(indha tensionla idhu vera), and I hit enter. I saw the result and rest is history....
Immediately I excused myself from the training and called my mother(who gave a reaction like 'OK.. I knew it would happen'!)...And , I stepped out of office and took a stroll on the Nungambakkam High Road , just to experience an 'high' which a professor during my foundation (PE 1) days used to tell. It seems he felt after clearing THE exams as if every passerby at Nungambakkam(Near ICAI) was looking at him and admiring..(nennapu thaan..) He added that he felt as if an entire crowd in a moving bus were popping their heads out and wishing him...He therefore wanted us (all students then) to experience the same.(and for experiencing that, we had to work hard aam). And so I went...
Thereafter.....
The fact of the matter is nothing of that sort happened for me... :(. No one were popping their heads out and wishing me... The truth infact was , even at 1 AM , I was shivering (partly because of the untimely cold weather in Chennai and partly due to {mix of 'end' of nervousness and 'beginning' of excitement.}). However..That too was short lived.I thought I would be on cloud nine if I cleared.But no.. It was just that moment. That's about it.To be frank , there was no 'Kick feeling' at all.(sappunu irundhuchu..). Probably this is how people feel after marriage too??.
I could have written this blog on the day of the result.However, a colleague of mine told me that I feel 'sour' because the *feeling* has not yet sunk in to me. And hence..I waited for sometime to see whether 'it' sinks in somewhat inside me so that I would be able to bring out the complete picture. I gave time to myself , just to see whether the way I felt became different... 3 weeks later .. Here I am.. feeling different , not exactly in the sense my colleague told , but I got a completely new perspective about my life and most importantly , I killed all the demons inside me... I think I am fresh now than ever before with a clear mind.. For me , this result is like finding that one missing piece in an otherwise solved jigsaw puzzle.
Going forward....
The thing with this course is , at the end of four to five years after beginning , you can either become completely haughty or you can become extremely depressed with self doubts looming large all over you. The middle one's are extremely rare to find.The thing about haughtiness is the fact that its like body odour , you wont realise it until others point it out to you.(And it smells bad.) You try to convince yourself that you aren't haughty but you continue to walk two steps above the ground. This is bad but it does minimal damage to the self. Not like its antonym , which is excruciatingly painful.
If you flunk a couple of times (in my case , 2 years before even writing the exams), suddenly the anger in you to prove others wrong would fade , and you would end up proving things to yourself.You would feel insignificant in world.To be frank , for a major part of the past three to four years , I did not live , I existed... You will end up fighting not only the exams , but a battle with yourself. The motivation levels would drop. The evenings would become very depressing. Murphy would seem to be in full form.You start hating life and suicidal thoughts would haunt you.(After one very bad day in office a couple of years back , I actually planned to jump from a suburban train between Kodambakkam and Nungambakkam station.In fact I went and marked a place..!. Thankfully , something stopped me from doing that silly act then.Something inside me said , lets fight it out..To think of that idiocy of mine now seems very funny..)To come out of that and win requires a motivation and determination of a completely different kind(which lesser mortals do not know or understand - Read haughty idiots)... People should understand, every person has his or her own problems for failure... Having a very very low self esteem is surely one very big problem.
I have always felt that if ever low self-esteem were a physical condition such as cancer or AIDS, or a potentially life-threatening habit like smoking and alcohol and drug abuse,the Goverment would declare a national emergency,pump in massive funds and organise a mass publicity campaign to combat it...Think about it.. 'Confidence' is such a crucial factor to a happy and fulfilling life. It influences your success at work, your family life, relationships and leisure activities.It affects your performance in everything you do. A belief in one's self is without doubt the greatest asset of all.Even great wealth and fame cant compensate for a poor self-image. A Man who doubts himself is like a man who enlists in the ranks of the enemy and bears arms against himself.He makes his failure certain by being the first to be convinced of it. - Alexandre Dumas.
People who lack confidence and self belief always underachieve.! They're less adventurous and less likely to get most out of life.They are prone to stress related problems , including anxiety (imagine the pressure if that is in addition to CA exam anxiety),eating disorders and mental health problems...
If only I had great articulation skills , I could have given you an heart wrenching story (a la vikraman) but I could not and hence did not. It took a lot of time,effort and pain for me to come out from where I was. I cant confidently say I am out of it completely. However , I have understood , every person has his strength and weakness. Its all about maximising the strength and minimising the weakness.The good thing now is , I have become very cool.I am not at all perturbed about any problem that comes my way (For I have gone through this and there cannot be something worse than this) and I am handling all that with considerable ease. That is good. Very good. I now want to enjoy life. I have missed 2 seasons of IPL , a world cup , SA tour of India, India tour of SA , 2 Champions League , Aus tour of India ,An exciting Ashes etc.. Lot of backlog needs to be cleared... is it not ?:)
Let me accept the fact.Becoming a CA was a dream for me.It has happened ! It is very very important for people to live their dreams. It is a special feeling. Unfulfilled ambitions are the worst thing a person can have... If you want something very very badly , you will get it.. It may come late .. But it will come.. Believe..
Funny how things change with postive results and very ironical that 2012 is synonymous with apocalypse , for it is the year where I begin.(Please.. the world should not end now..)Does this angry young man still feel that life is unfair..?.. Yes.. He does.. He has reasons for it.. In future he may add to that profile of his that life is unfair but its still good..:) Now.. There you see a change..Dont you? (Hopefully , going forward no more depressing posts).. All seems well. Hakuna Matata :)(At least temporarily).
The strength I had during my school and college days vanished in the past four years.. All I want is to regain it. Yes.. I want that CHUTZPAH I once had back... and if that happens.. I am back completely...
"Some failure in life is inevitable.. It is impossible to live without failing in something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well never lived at all.In which case , you failed by default" - J K Rowling
