Half

Statutory Warning: This post is yet another self introspection report card from me to myself. I can understand that there is not even a tinge of that tone of surprise in you the reader and hence you can choose not to read it further.....

(But.. if u have decided to plunge, so be it... ) As already said , this is yet another attempt from me to look at myself from a distance, observe and correct. Too much of self introspection is certainly not good for oneself and I know it from experience. However, being the loner that I am , I am finding it hard to kick the habit. At the end of every day, I end up doing  this 360 degree feedback.(See, being in the corporate world for some time now , I surely can speak some of that lingo).

First thing that I have noticed in myself is some achievement for which I am both happy and sad at the same time. What may be that mighty achievement ?. The answer is I have substantially lost my temper. I nowadays almost forget to get angry !. QED from workplace where I received a written feedback from a junior colleague stating that I am the most calm person in the team. Funny ! but people who know me from my school days would vouch for that abrasive fury I used to emit. Isn't it good to have lost that ? That is the question that comes up in my mind often. I am proud of it but at the same time I must admit that there is tinge of sadness due to the fact that I think I have lost the rage a tad too much and I sometimes now feel I have lost my identity in some way. Honestly, there was never a conscious effort from my end to reduce the anger. The only probable reason could be to avoid that miserable feeling you get after getting angry.

 There is relevance to the previous paragraph since its a SIGNIFICANT change in me..(that caps was intended). And.. I am looking forward to more such changes. If this change could be possible (sans efforts) , why not with other aspects in me with efforts is what my post is all about. There is context to everything that happens around me right now and I realise that I am at a very peculiar position in my life where I have not been before.

I now realise that I have some strengths.Like this one for eg , I can confidently say I am definitely a notch above quite a number of people in appreciating and understanding a creative work be it either Tamil(even among Tamil students who scored 200 out of 200 in board exams , and I cannot write Tamil)  or English. I have observed people who really are dumb in appreciating a creative work (who are otherwise brilliant at studies or at work!). Weird. I am abstaining myself from quoting real life examples since I do not want to go back to having bad temper.

I know I am a notch above the crowd in appreciating a game of cricket.I am completely aware of facts.Unlike the majority, I know why a batsmen takes guard. I know why the sight screen is important. I know what reverse swing is.(And I know a lot of 'brilliant' people who have different theories on what reverse swing is, like this tall brilliant bespectacled guy who thinks reverse swing is when the ball moves backwards (reverses aam) after pitching !!). I know some serious stuff about some cricketers. If someone says, Dale Steyn can swing the ball both ways, I would ask since when ?. Dale Steyn has been and will always bowl outswingers (to Right handers) only. It is only his teammate and counterpart Vernon Philander who can swing the ball both ways. Of course Steyn can straighten and also reverse the ball (Proper reverse I mean :P).  I can appreciate a tense situation in the game. I can grasp what a bowler is trying and how the batsmen is countering and vice versa. Also, when technical points are discussed in Star Cricket(no other channel discusses technical points), I am able to understand ! Also , I can easily say whether a batsman or a bowler has learned from his mistake.

Coming to life other than cricket , I now understand that I have a different perspective from the others.I am more towards values. I am a 'means' guy more than the 'ends' guy. For me means are far more important than ends. Very complex but true.Also, I have some non-negotiable points. I cannot tolerate haughtiness. I have instant hatred to any individual who emits haughtiness.I develop instant hatred to any person who is rude.Even worse, I cannot tolerate Idiocy also (as I said above). But why I am saying all this ?. Its because, even though I feel all this , I do not go and express this to that person. I keep it to myself and release words only when I feel it is absolutely necessary. I go through the pain called toleration. This is where I feel , I should be more assertive and open up. A scope for improvement.

Also, I am a fan of subtlety and subtexts. Not sure how many of you are. I like it when something is said and done in a subtle manner. Yes, you may not understand at first and ignore , but if you understand the subtle inner message , the impact is high, much higher than if you dump it on the face. The problem with being outright is , it works but  I doubt whether it has the same impact. Being outright can sometimes turn against you unlike being subtle and saying what you say in subtexts. This is exactly where my limitations sort of begin. I can understand subtexts and interpret many of them but I need help in picking all the subtexts.So, I am half here.

Over the years, people have said that I can write. I know I can write but at the same time I know I do not possess that flair in writing that you expect from professionals.Even worse, there are some words I do not know the meaning at all (ask me to speak , my English is even worse). I do not know the basics of grammar. Ask me what is Adverb, Subject, Object etc in a sentence, I would be blinking. That's precisely the problem.So, I am half here too.

From the Economic Times campaign - A Half cheats himself more than others

 Come to workplace, I know the law , but the finer points , I don't know them all. Also , I keep forgetting. I need to be constantly in touch with it to understand. That 'technical' knowledge in work ,the fact that I don't know the full stuff rather the necessary stuff is sort of making me feel low.(I link again. These technically brilliant guys express idiocy when they talk about any creative work. That I am not able to fathom at all.) Also I am total sothapifier with regard to numbers.Also my concentration span is very limited. Here is where my diffidence comes from. The fact that  I realise I possess only half knowledge in this aspect... Then comes the important question as to why do we need to know more than half ?. Probably because of the confidence (real not fake) that it gives you. Also you have no excuse in not knowing it.

There are other doubts and questions I have too.. Are everybody Half somewhere ? Whether this phenomenon is with me alone ? and other confusing questions...... Whatever it may be, but at the end of it all,  I would say that I understand that  there are places where I know that I am much much better, but at the same time there are places where I am not in sync at all .........

Again from Economic Times campaign - The Problems of being Half

.....And that is why I confidently say I am now a Half.  I will let you all know (including myself) if and when I have made some journey towards full.Yes. I wanted a place to inscribe the promise that I made to myself (to not be half) so that I am constantly reminded of the target and warned of deviations. 

Hence this Half.

The Intermission 

A Good day to die easy

"I need you to understand Aparna... Its not going to be possible..." whispered his son-in-law. Aparna took a deep breath for the news to sink in. She murmured back " Lets not tell him now.... though being him , he might have already known." Saket did not overhear this conversation, but knew what news was being transmitted and instantly felt uneasy and different. Sensing that her father was still gazing  from the glass window at both of them , Aparna paused the 'hush-hush' conversation , looked at her father, smiled gently and raised her thumbs. Saket just smiled back from inside. Somewhere deep within her, Aparna knew that her father knew.

Saket clad in green from top to bottom now twisted to the other side of his hospital bed and began staring at the blank wall. Uneasiness was beginning to hit him hard. He began to sweat. It seemed his body released  epinephrine, norepinephrine and dozen other fear hormones at the same time. Saket, aged 70 has been fighting his battle with a peculiar disease for which he was undergoing several tests and little treatment at the hospital where his son-in-law is a doctor.

...........

The door opened."Apologies for being late Deepak. My wife insisted on me having the dinner before I left".

"Not at all sir. No problem."

Deepak pulled a wooden chair for Raja to sit. "Not unusual that there is a huge hype surrounding it... Is it not sir ?" asked Deepak . Raja ,his superior nodded his head , looked down at his footwear, dug in his toe , and pushed a pile of dust that had accumulated in the last 15 days. "I am just proud and happy to be part of history." Raja replied. He stood up from his wooden chair, went across the storage section and caressed his hands slowly at thickly wrapped books and continued " Media does help. In our case , more money."

Raja breathed in the aroma of newly bound books.He had done the same for four previous editions of it. He bent down the racks to check whether the bundles were properly tied and in the process caused the contents of his shirt pocket(Paper bits, visiting cards, Restaurant bills etc) to fall on the dirty floor.Among the fallen items ,he picked up only his visiting cards. He blew out the dust , wiped them by caressing it along his chest and kept it back in his pocket. Other fallen items continued to lie on the floor though.

Raja thought himself to have a much more significant role in his job than the designation printed on his visiting card which read as " Raja Mukherjee : Warehouse Manager , Bloomsbury Publications India - Central Warehouse , Kolkatta ".Today he felt, he was informally given a responsibility from the management."Bring on the mattress, its time we get some sleep.. We have a busy day tomorrow. More books are on the way." said Raja with pride.  "Yes sir.Give me a minute..". Raja observed the ceiling fan above and managed to find some spider webs."Bring a wet cloth too, we need to wipe the fan before we lie under it".
"Ok sir."

...........                                                                        

Saket was game for a midnight adventure.The night was regular , like many other nights , nothing special or extraordinary. Saket had worked his way through the gates like a regular and nobody could detect. He moved without a single pause and was outside the ever crowded hospital (which represented a mall) in five minutes. Having no other option, he decided to take his son-in-law's old green-and-blue bike. 

His ride was liberating and after having traveled for over an hour, he decided to stop by an old rusted building. He looked for passerby's and found none except some sleeping stray dogs. He pulled of his coat and went to the rear side of the building and broke in. The darkness notwithstanding , he courageously strolled along. 

.........

Raja had been waiting for the second lot to arrive for close to 2 hours in the morning. He then received a call from his superior informing him that no new books would be arriving due to a policy change. There would however be a review of warehouse around noon by delegates before further books arrived. The release date had been postponed. 

Bloomberg Global , had its own reservations before releasing the book in India. The piracy market was rampant and humongous. They had also to content with the population that would be reading it online. They went ahead with a reasonable pricing strategy. They went ahead because there was demand, and there was no doubt about it. The release of the book was much talked about even a year before it was supposed to release. Delegates from the parent company were sent overnight to several Indian locations to monitor theft and piracy. No new books would arrive until the delegates reported back favorably. 

Raja went back home , had a bath. His wife had prepared a sumptuous brunch. He refused it as he had to go back to the warehouse before noon. 

.........

Saket came back to his room quietly without anybody noticing but knew that his adventure will just start and will be an exciting one. What he didn't know was that he had just found more than a new friend after a long long time, the book in his hand; a friend for the remaining lifetime and metaphorically his future love. There was temptation though to read the last page. He had never done that before. And, he said to himself that he will never do it again."People who read the last page first have no life", he mumbled. He resisted the temptation and began his joy ride.

Page by page , he did read... Line by line, he did enjoy.... Word by word, he did relish.... Hour by hour.. he took six....And when the seventh had just began and he came to the last chapter....

..........

Officials from the management came to the warehouse around noon and immediately the inventory counting took place. A book was missing. Raja recounted them all. He bent down at the same place as he had done the previous night and to his surprise found the plastic cover in open mode.

                                   

The other contents of his shirt pocket were still there. Could it be the work of rodents ? Then how could an entire book vanish ?. Several questions were posed at Raja. He was perplexed and so was Deepak. A police FIR was lodged.Media broke open the news almost immediately. Needless to say Raja and Deepak were reprimanded.

.........

.....2 pages.....

Patience was running out. " Just 2 more..." he said to himself. His hands began to shiver. Tears flowed from his eyes. The concentration fluttered and he paused. He composed himself and re-read the page.

... Last page... 

He felt gloom and happiness at the same time.

... Last paragraph... 

Saket now knew that Harry lived. He also knew it much before the world knew. He had done it. He knew the end. Saket shut the book and looked upwards....... Little did he fuss for the excruciating pain that hit him couple of minutes later when life left him.

THE END

The Numbers from the Hidden Treasure..

I am right now attempting something similar to what Mark Zuckerburg supposedly did at his hostel room at Harvard University ( as portrayed in the film 'The Social Network'). I am right now Blogging and replying to birthday wishes on FB in two different tabs at the same time by switching tabs often...(Writing codes and blogging simultaneously was astonishing multitasking atrocity... ).I really like people who wish on Birthdays because , I don't. Sometimes I do.. Sometimes I don't. I don't remember birthdays until I open my facebook page through web.. I mostly FB through the phone and the FB app does not display birthdays on the front page and hence I miss wishing a lot of people... Hmmm.. A lot of my school friends..

So much has happened in the past 2 months... The least interesting of them all was I shifted home.. Not necessarily surprising.. It was special though... We 'discover' hidden 'treasures' during shifting , don't we ? Something very very special... Guess what ? I found my Class IX and X Report Card. The pages of class X were missing though.. So here it goes.. My Class IX Report Card and assessment remarks by the loathed Prathima Sharma Miss...  Wow..

Ha ha.. Treasure...  Nostalgic.

Those were the days where I was consistent. Yes. Consistent non performance.. I was getting some amazing scores.. kidding.. Some of the scores were too pathetic as you can see...

Those red underlines are the periodic class tests I failed.... See that 2.5 out of 20...?? Lol...  

This one is my Favorite page...  Wow... I have got a ZERO !! ROFL... 

My Overall Average was less than 40 in Maths and Science during Class IX. 

Very Very Honest comments from my Class Teacher... 

Courtesy my scores , I was promoted to Class X (what an achievement) based on an undertaking.. Warning Promotion ! 

There are a couple of interesting things here. You could have noticed that my father has never signed my report card. It was always my mother. Not that she was considerate (she was equally livid as my father and had more 'vocabulary' than my father) but for my father it was an 'ego' issue. He could not sign for a son who had failed almost all exams.However somewhere in between my Class X , he started signing again.(not that my scores improved dramatically). He was obviously worried about my scores and had approached for a astrologer's consultation who informed him that it was that 'seven and a half' saturn that was spoiling my efforts and I was actually taking efforts.. ha ha..  The truth remains that I simply did not study well.. I just lost interest.. I was in haze..  Unlike others , (who thronged every tuition centre in mylapore for being Class topper) I used to bunk tuition classes and go to play cricket.. I used to attend tests and exams without preparations.. I was such a care free person... But then,  (surprisingly) I always felt in the back of mind , that if I put my backside to one place and study , I could beat them all hands down... ( That confidence completely vanished one day which is a completely different story about which  I have written a lot). Its just that I did not study then... I was not serious enough with my studies....

Even at that age , I could see the funny side of my failure.. Frankly , It meant nothing to me... I just could not fathom girls fighting for half a mark with teachers.. still cant digest.. I never used to check the totals when I receive my paper.. I used to see my favorite question (Favorite question would always be that enrichment question which would be outside the syllabus ), look at what marks the teacher gave for that answer of mine and then would judge the quality of that teacher and stuff my paper in my bag. How arrogant !.

This report card is precisely the reason why my school teachers and classmates look at me with awe now when I meet them and say to them now that I am a Chartered Accountant..... "I always knew u were brilliant.. its just that you were little out of track.." is what my Classmate Sivaram KP said after I cleared. I replied.. " If only you knew the efforts that went with it , you would not call me brilliant..".  (According to me , CA course is an average student's best friend...  CA course does not want your brilliance.. You being brilliant or not is totally irrelevant... It needs only your efforts...).

I want to dwell on the irrelevance of these marks.. What marks you get at school is totally irrelevant after you join college.What marks you get in college is totally irrelevant after you go to a Job..

Having said that , If only I could have concentrated on Maths during my School days , I would now be fast with numbers. I could have cleared my CA exams a little earlier with less efforts.. The love for numbers has vanished in me only because of my indifferent attitude towards studies at school. The only way to be good and fast with numbers is to constantly practice with numbers.. I had not done that for 7 years in school. And suddenly , you give me numbers in life , I am slow.. Not one day goes without repenting on my slowness with numbers.. Not that I did not have the skills but I just did not cultivate it. I just did not practice it when it had to be practiced..

I was one extreme in school... I just wish I could have taken the mid-path.. But If I had, that would have not been me... :)