Of GOD and Haywire..

There are several ways by which atheism can lay its foundations in an Individual.
My basic thought into atheism came at a very tender age of 10.It was around that time that I asked my mom a question that no child should ask especially at that age.

I asked her 'How are babies born'?

She hastily replied.(May be she was quite prepared for such a question long time back knowing my character.I was told much later that I was fond of sitting near girls during my kintergarden.)She said "Couples pray to God during the marriage ceremony and he grants child". I was convinced totally until..

I heard Karunanidhi had a son named Stalin. Karunandhi sounded to me as a Hindu Name. Stalin sounded foreign ... It was christian.The name had a Russian feel to it.( Thanks to History). Those were days when I thought there were only 3 religions in the world and I thought Hindus were the majority. (due to the sheer number of Gods).

Later that day , I found out that Stalin's mom was not a Christian. Then why such a name?.I had to clear that doubt.It was then I asked one of my cousins. He was 8 months younger to me.He said Karunanidhi was an Atheist. What ?. He then explained.
'Atheist are those people who proclaim there is no God.They have no concept of religion and hence those people do not have any restriction on naming their child and hence the name Stalin.Oh.. I gawped.. I was 10 . He was 9 and a half. We were discussing not about video games , not about Super Human Samurai , not about Shaktimaan , but about Atheism.!

I could not come to terms with such a shocking news that there could be people who were not into any of these 3 religions.My mom had said to me that people pray to God for babies to be born.How could Karunanidhi ( an athiest ) have a child ?. He surely could not have prayed God if he was an Athiest.

I could not think GOD was generous.He was granting children to those people who were not believing in Him. How come??. If atheist's had children , why where they not praying God?.All sort of confusions crept in. All day I would think about GOD ...Is he there , ??

Time passed by...

Years later .. I meet KD.. My real first tutor in terms of 'you know what' education. Class 6 or Class 7. By passing reference one day he said 'Man is a Animal' which made me think a lot.Very simple.But truly shocking. He said several things about atheism during class 10 and I think he is completely one by now.
He simply said he did not belive in God because he said he did not require him.His arguments were rational, logical and acceptable.However for me it lacked depth.I felt atheism was relying more on a single point and trying to focus too much on demerits of theism.

The beauty was , the more he moved to atheism , I moved away from it. From a distance I could respect it. Being near it had made me understand it. However , I did not believe in it.

I thought so simply because , an Atheist always has a doubt whether he or she is firm believer in GOD.No such doubts for a Theist. When Kamal says 'Kadavul illa nu sollale... Kadavul Irundha naala irukkumnu solraen '.. It means he is at cross roads. He is confused himself whether he believes in it are not.(Nevertheless, I am not an athiest like Kamal because Kamal himself is my God..Ha ha..)

I believe firmly in God. I believe in him simply because I believe he gives me the right choices rather makes me to make the right choices. I have always believed there is no better place than the place that you are right now. He is giving me the best. He must be God. HE is GOD.

About 2 years ago I was fine .But GOD is also known to be fickle.

It is in this last two years that I have had my worst moments of life. I was termed inefficient( may be I am.. I don know ).I was stripped of my confidence.I had self doubts. I was constantly evaluating myself with my peers.

The worst part..

I had to come to terms with agreeing that my peers were much more talented than me.(absolutely the opposite to what had been 2 years back..I was the 'King' at college.Now I am a 'Pauper').The belief that I could handle any thing had gone. I had and have fears.Here is where I developed a irritation towards 'Confident' people who never accept their errors.I could not bear to see a 'Confident' person committing an error and getting off.

Not even during my school days (I was the worst in academics) that I bothered about my peers being superiors to me. I knew that if I put my backside to one place and study , I could beat them all Hands Down...! Where is that confidence now..? Where is that arrogance Now ? . All melted. I want confidence and where else would I go ?

Every single day .. Believe me every single day , I have two different opinions or advices thrown on me on a similar subject. What is so unique ? Both are totally opposites. One person in the morning asks me to cram , another person in the evening asks me not to cram.. One person in the morning asks me to Eat well, the same person in the evening says I have to reduce my weight...Where will I go ? -

Which to choose ?. I had so far believed that God has made me my choice.Now I have to.. It is really confusing.. whichever path I choose , I belive the Zenith will remain at the same place... I have come for Pit Stop...( I don't know whether it is for Repairs or it is for Refueling)..

GOD carry me along through this tough phase ..

To God - ' There is nothing in this world that you and I cannot handle it together'.